Furloughed Rangers Miffed as Bigfoot’s Tours Receive Rave Reviews and Forest Floor Gets Littered with Jerky Wrappers!
Amid the ongoing governmental tempest, the legend himself—Bigfoot—has been spotted capitalizing on the closure of national parks by conducting his own “authentic wilderness experience” tours. Payment, you ask? Bigfoot is seen gladly accepting beef jerky and your wildest conspiracy theories as currency!
Cryptid Capitalism:
With park rangers furloughed and left twiddling their thumbs, Bigfoot, the elusive giant of North American folklore, has taken matters into his oversized hands. Armed with a stick as a pointer and wearing a hat that suspiciously resembles a park ranger’s, he has been guiding truth seekers and thrill enthusiasts through the forbidden, off-trail terrains.
Five-Star Forest Foray:
Participants have been stumbling out of the woods, faces aglow with enlightenment, giving the hairy guide five-star reviews. “I learned more about the woods from Bigfoot in one day than from rangers in a lifetime! And he does a mean Sasquatch call!” exclaimed one overjoyed tourist, clutching a tuft of Bigfoot’s fur.
Conspiracy Currency:
In this barter-based experience, attendees are seen exchanging beef jerky and whispered conspiracy theories for nuggets of wilderness wisdom. Theories about aliens in national parks and the real reason for the Bermuda Triangle have been circulating, making the forest buzz with more than just the sound of crickets.
Ranger Rivalry:
Furloughed park rangers, peeking from behind the trees, have expressed a mixture of annoyance and admiration. “I mean, his knowledge of hidden trails is impressive, but he’s not even wearing the right uniform!” grumbled one ranger. Another was seen taking notes furiously, mumbling about “improving public engagement” when the parks reopen.
Environmental Impact:
However, not everyone is pleased with Bigfoot’s entrepreneurial spirit. Environmentalists are raising eyebrows as the forest floor is increasingly littered with beef jerky wrappers. Bigfoot, when confronted, shrugged and pointed to a sign saying, “Leave no trace… except for jerky wrappers.”
Government Grouse:
In a press release, the government has expressed concern over the unregulated tours, citing safety and environmental issues. They have also inquired if Bigfoot would be willing to share the beef jerky revenue, to which Bigfoot responded with a resounding roar heard across the valleys.
Conclusion:
As the government shutdown continues and Bigfoot’s tours gain popularity, a new question arises—will the legendary creature consider a permanent career change? And more importantly, will the government consider hiring him to boost park revenue and perhaps pay off the national debt? Only time, and possibly more jerky, will tell.
